I wrote a post on November 22nd. I'm not sure why I never posted it. It said this:
I feel like I missed out on so much time with my son. I'm making up for it. Lots of time together and homemade pancakes and cake. Scott, who can't say no to sweets, asked why I was making a cake this weekend. Because I can. After being so sick and unable, I just want to live and breathe and do with my family. I still have the heartache. The heartache of feeling weak, feeling like a failure. Shouldn't I be able to tolerate any pain to hold my baby, regardless of how sick and incapable it makes me? When I think about the answer, I feel like a failure. It stings. It hurts. I tell myself it's only been 3 weeks and that it's ok to feel the struggle. I guess there's no time frame on it. I just take it a day at a time. I'm not quite comfortable with being around anyone other than family. I've reached out to a few friends and feel like I'm making progress with coming out of a hole that I'd rather not be in, but then I find peace with crawling back in it with Coen and Scott. It just seems easier. I look forward to celebrating thanksgiving and being with loved ones.
I read this today and felt sad for that person. I understood exactly what and how she felt. It hurt to remember being in that much pain. While I still feel sadness in my heart at times for the bigger family I wanted, I remain grateful and excited to have my husband and son. I'm very much feeling like me again. But an even better me.
I have new adventures and goals in place for 2016. One of which is sharing my ideas, tips and recipes with YOU! I plan to include tips on organization, tips or things I've learned along the way in raising a boy, tips on cooking, recipes, goals, planning, healthier eating and anything else I feel the desire to write about in hopes that I can share something that might help you. Here's to new beginnings!
